Monday, December 28, 2009

Midlife and Resolutions

So it’s the time of year when bloggers everywhere begin making suggestions for resolutions guaranteed to make my life better in the new year. Here are the top recurring themes I’m seeing in the blogs.

1.  diet and exercise
2.  quit drinking and smoking
3.  spend more time with family
4.  get out of debt
5.  get organized

Screw all of that. I’m in the middle of my midlife crisis.  I don’t wanna diet. I don’t wanna exercise. I don’t wanna quit drinking - especially if I have to spend more time with family. I’d have to start smoking in order to quit smoking. I would feel totally un-American if I were out of debt. And dang it, I have A.D.D. so getting organized is a medical impossibility.

The ultimate purpose of resolutions is to make your life better, right? BUT, statistics show that most resolutions are broken sometimes between Superbowl Sunday and Fat Tuesday. A broken resolution is tantamount to personal failure.

Personal failure leads to low-self-esteem WHICH erodes productivity and diminishes the quality of life, THUS having the EXACT OPPOSITE effect of what what the resolutions were intended to do in the first place. All of that to say… I ain’t gonna make no resolutions this year.*

*Note to my northern friends who got their thongs in a thistle over my use of the words “ain’t” and “no” in the same sentence constituting a “double negative"... blah... blah... blah.  Please be advised that I type in fluent Southern where the first negative adds emphasis to the second negative rather than negating it.


  1. Is "No, stop" a Southern double negative or just all 'round bad manners?

  2. LOL - In Southern, in its purest form. Double negatives only exist to to add emphasis.

    But in the case of "No, stop", the gender of the person saying it often determines it's meaning. If Betty Lou tells Elmer "No, stop" then she's exhibiting bad manners - especially if Elmer had bought her dinner.

    But, if while driving home from the tractor pull, Betty Lou starts singing "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks and Elmer say "No, stop!" then the Southern double emphasis is implied.

    Hope this explanation helps:)

  3. I'm wit chew, Rick. I'm not making any resolutions either. We'll make it TOGETHER!

  4. I'm with you... especially about the debt! Resolutions schmesolutions!