Attention Deficit Detours

COLOR TV & POOL!

2010-09-27T12:19:00.001-04:00

It’s not every day …

...that you see a Motel that advertises “Color TV”! Just across the street from the Tampa Taco Bus, we discovered this motel that not only has color TV, but offers clean rooms, weekly rates, and a pool!

And should you have poor cell reception in your room, notice the pay phone located under the motel's sign for your convenience.

Obviously guest safety is a priority as the safety cover over the swimming pool is one of the sturdiest I have ever seen - it's framed with 2x4s and covered with plywood and rolls of asphalt roofing. Gotta LOVE IT! :)

Outdoor Laundromat

2010-08-27T12:22:00.001-04:00

It’s not every day…
…that you see an outdoor laundromat. Who wants to be all cooped up while waiting on their laundry? May as well get a little fresh air.

Though this is an outdoor establishment, this laundromat adheres to building codes and providing customers with an emergency side exit.

In case you get any bright ideas about leaving your two-year-old at the laundromat while you go shopping, take note of the sign on the inside wall that says “We are not responsible for children.”

The Tampa Taco Bus

2010-08-05T08:42:00.045-04:00

You probably won’t find it in any of the tourists brochures but the Tampa Taco Bus in Tampa, FL is a MUST!!

The Taco Bus is an old school bus converted into a kitchen that prepares incredible, fresh, authentic Mexican cuisine. The food was so good, I dove right in and ate it all before I remembered to take a picture.

They are open 24/7, and as the sign says, “Broken English Perfectly Spoken.”

Indoor and outdoor dining is available, or you can just step up to the window and place your order to go.

The only problem is the bus doesn’t actually go anywhere - you have to go to it, but it’s definitely worth a detour. Dining at the Taco Bus is not just great food, it’s an experience.

Duck Farts & Saddle Sores

2010-08-01T16:59:00.003-04:00

There was no shortage of entertainment on the Alaska Twitter trip sponsored by Princess Cruises. After returning from an incredible helicopter ride and glacier landing, we attended a fun filled dinner theatre. The same wait staff who served our BBQ, were
the cast members in the musical, “The Music of Denali”.

Somehow the cast coaxed me up on stage - thankfully for the audience they didn’t ask me to sing anything. I just had to sit there and look good:)

After the show, the entourage of twitteratti walked across the street and was treated to a round of Duck Farts an Alaskan favorite consisting of Crown Royal, Kalula, and Baileys Irish Creme.

We also learned the international sign for "I saw a moose today"

As we headed back to our rooms around 2 a.m., I snapped this picture of this signpost to kinda explain why Alaska is known as “the land of the midnight sun.” This was as about as dark as it got.
.

The next morning we took about a three hour bus from the Denali Princess Lodge to the McKinley Princess Lodge. where we saddled up and road through the trails taking in the beautiful Alaskan landscape.

I didn’t actually get saddle sores from the adventure, but I did walk like a bow-legged cowboy for the next two days. If you take a horseback excursion and you're over 40, I highly recommend that you stretch before mounting up.

Helicopter Glacier Landing

2010-07-29T12:54:00.000-04:00

I thoroughly enjoyed every excursion I took on the Twitter trip sponsored by Princess Cruises, but I think that the glacier helicopter landing may have been my favorite. This was only time I EVER got to check two adventures off my Bucket List in the same day! (ride in a helicopter and walk on a glacier).

Hopefully this video will give you a little feel for the awesomeness of this adventure!

We took off from a helipad located just across the river from the Denali Princess Wilderness Lodge. The flight was much smoother than I had anticipated. The Beaver plane that we took to the summit of Mt. McKinley flew over the range of mountains. On the helicopter, we got to fly in between the mountains. It was amazing to watch as the landscape below us changed from green hills to snow covered mountains.

I took a piece of the glacier for a souvenir but I couldn't seem to find it when I got back to the lodge.

Good thing I got this picture:)

Moose, Drugs and Toilets

2010-07-14T13:24:00.003-04:00

Our third day in Alaska began with a bus ride deep into the Denali National Forest. Our guides were very informative as they explained the terrain and vegetation growing on the permafrost.

Before we got off the bus, we were instructed what to do if we encountered dangerous wildlife. In a nutshell, you’re supposed to talk to a bear and run from a moose. It's impossible to out run a bear, so it's best to just try to rationalize with him - just don't look him in the eye. You can't really outrun a moose either, but they have a wide turning radius and if you zig zag around trees and whatnot, you stand a pretty good chance of getting away.

Our guides seem particularly proud of the park’s SST’s (Sweet Smelling Toilets) which employ some of the latest and greatest toilet technology on earth to maintain a virtually odor free restroom experience. Naturally, since I was walking around with a video camera, I had to get some footage of this modern marvel in the Alaskan wilderness

We learned of the many uses for some of the plants growing wild in the park - plants used for salads, tooth paste, dish soap, hallucinogens and laxatives grew in abundance as did plants to make Vallium, and Absinthe. I'm reluctant to identify which plant are used for which purpose, lest some of my frog-licking and mushroom-eating type friends rape the Alaskan landscape of it's vegetation.

At the turn around point we were treated to stories from an Athabascan guide who interrupted his presentation to chastise me for video taping him. I was actually just gettin’ a shot of the crowd watching him. After his presentation I apologized to him and he explained that someone had once video taped him and put it on youtube and called him an Eskimo. I think Eskimos are cool (literally!), but this guy is rightfully proud of his Athabascan heritage and found it offensive.

It's a long standing Alaskan tourists tradition that if you saw a moose at some point during the day, you have to take a shot of a drink called a "Duck Fart" and flash the international sign for "I saw a moose today."

I Have Been to the Mountaintop!

2010-07-08T15:17:00.008-04:00

I've always wanted to go to the summit of Mt. Mckinley. Thanks to an invitation by Princess Cruises to participate in a Twitter Press trip to Alaska, I got to check another item off my bucket list! Shortly after we settled into the Denali Princess Lodge, we took a short ride to the airfield where several of the Twitteratti and our escorts from Princess Cruises hopped on a 1966 Beaver Plane and headed towards the summit!

Here we are pictured with Canada's Adventure Couple, the famous Dave & Deb, along with Karen, Nicole, and Guy (from Princess Cruises) and of course our pilot, Jim Andie (we kinda needed him.)

Sure, Mt. Everest is the highest point on earth, but the Mount McKinley's vertical rise is nearly 6000 feet higher than Mount Everest from base to summit (Everest sits on the Tibetan Plateau which is17,000 feet above sea level to begin with)

For most of the flight everyone was quiet, taking in the beauty of the scenery. It was almost a spiritual experience.

At one point it looked as though we were going to fly right into the mountain. Someone asked the pilot, "shouldn't you like be turning or something about now?" The pilot replied "Naw, we're still about five miles away."

After we landed, I got to interview Jim Andie, a man who has traveled all over the world and is living his bucket list. When asked where he'd like to go, Jim said, "anywhere I haven't been." Man, I LOVE that!!

Destination Denali

2010-07-05T12:16:00.000-04:00

Day two of the Twitter trip sponsored by Princess Cruises began with a train ride from Fairbanks to Denali. After a wonderful breakfast aboard the train, we adjourned upstairs in the glass covered rail car where we took in the breathtaking scenery. The reindeer sausage and salmon breakfast burrito were yummy!

Our tour guides were incredibly knowledgeable of Alaskan history and geography. They always seemed to know exactly where we were as they give us notice of various photo opportunities in advance. These are just a fraction of the photos I took on the 4 hour trip that didn't nearly seem that long.

We saw a HUGE beaver dam, lots of cool looking bridges, rafters on the river and of course snow capped mountains as we wound our way across miles of perma-frost tundra, mountains, hills and canyons.

The ever changing scenery, good food, informative guides and clean restrooms made this a terrific way to experience Alaska. I'm now adding a train rides across the USA and Europe to my Bucket List!

Gold in Them Thar Hills!

2010-07-01T11:43:00.003-04:00

I heard there was a gold rush in Alaska so I figured while I’m there I might as well join the frenzy. So we took an excursion to the Eldorado Gold mine where everyone is guaranteed to find some gold.

Our tour was conducted by a Fiddle playing conductor who entertained us with songs and a wonderful narration of the history of the Alaskan gold rush.

The Eldorado Gold Mine employs a colorful cast of characters who showed us how to pan for gold. Once you see a few of the shiny nuggets in your pan, it doesn't take long to catch "Gold Fever".

I'm giving serious thought to becoming a gold miner...

... gold miners get to wear some serious bling!

When you finish panning for gold, you can take it into the gift shop where the staff will weigh it and tell you how much is is worth. I wanted to cash in the $38 worth of gold we had panned, but my wife opted to spend another $50 or so in the gift shop to have our gold nuggets encased in a locket (souvenir bling). No wonder the Alaskan gold miners left the women folk back home.

On the way back to the lodge, we saw some of the state’s modern day gold - the 800 mile long Alaska Pipeline! Nearly 500,000 barrels of oil pass through the pipeline each day. We saw the pipeline near it’s halfway point at the 450 mile marker. All in all, this was a very fun and potentially profitable excursion!

Follow Me At Sea

2010-06-23T21:59:00.002-04:00

When I learned that I was one of only nine people in the entire Twitterverse invited by Princess Cruises to participate in a Twitter Press trip to Alaska, I felt like the kid in the Willie Wonka movie when he unwrapped his candy bar and discovered the “golden ticket.”

Over my next few blog entries, I’ll chronicle my adventure, mainly with pictures, because a picture is worth 1000 words and I’m having so much fun, I’ll let the pictures do the talking so I can get back to having more fun.

I saw my first Polar bear at the Fairbanks airport!

Princess Cruises had a bag of swag and a goodie tray waiting for us in our room. (Thank you very much!!)

Our first adventure was a riverboat tour of the Chena and Tanana Rivers, where the captain let me pilot the riverboat for about a mile!! Sooo Much fun!

We we saw an Athabascan fish camp and a pretty cool fur fashion show. We even got to take eat some smoked salmon!

A kennel that trains future Iditarod champions gave us a demonstration as we watched from the boat.

One out of 58 Alaskans own a plane. It was so cool watching bush planes take off and land on the river.

I saw my first reindeer. Fortunately, this one wasn't flying so I could snap his picture... or her picture. Interesting fact: both male and female caribou have antlers.

Some interesting homes can be seen along the river. Some decorate with antlers...

...others decorate their roofs with tires.

...others are prepared for floods! Yep, that's a paddle-wheel on the back of that house:

Finally, my favorite! I hope to one day own a house boat like this...I can dream can't I?

Kansas City Tweet-Up

2010-04-07T21:12:00.001-04:00

One of the cool things about my job is that I get to meet some awesome people and ask 'em what's on their bucket list.

Here are a few awesome new friends I met at a "Tweet-Up" at Waldo Pizza in Kansas City.

What's on your Bucket List?

My SXSW Keynote

2010-03-17T20:14:00.007-04:00

The last couple of years I've been hearing a LOT about SXSW (South by SouthWest), the gianormous Music, Film and Interactive festivals that take place each spring in Austin, TX.

The Midlife Road Trip producers said that everybody who was anybody would be at SXSW. So I, along with our hardworking cameraman, Ryan Cavanaugh, a.k.a. "The Dude", ventured into Austin to see what all the hpye was about.

The Dude, himself, doing what he does best.

AZ on the Rocks

2010-03-09T16:01:00.090-05:00

The Midlife Road Trip show stopped by AZ on the Rocks in Scottsdale, Arizona for a little team building exercise with our Phoenix Ambassador, Andi Barness.

One of the great things about social media is meeting so many awesome people from all parts of the world. We met and became friends with Andi on Twitter. She was so incredibly helpful in hooking us up with all the cool things to do and great places to eat in the Phoenix area, and she was a blast to hang out with. She and I raced to the top (You'll have to watch the video below to see who won). She also turned us on to Bryan's Black Mountain Barbecue in Cave Creek, AZ - some of the best BBQ west of the Mississippi!

If you ever plan to do much traveling I strongly encourage you to get involved with Facebook and Twitter and make some friends who can show you their neck of the world better than guide book or travelogue.

Who'd-a thunk that fried eggs on BBQ could be so good?

Midlife Road Trip stars, Sandi McKenna and Sher Bailey with our Phoenix Ambassador, Andi Barness.

Me and Bryan, himself!

Interview with Jeffrey Hattrick

2010-03-08T15:47:00.001-05:00

Here is the video of our interview with Jeffrey Hattrick, the Tea Sommelier at the Ritz-Carlton in Phoenix.

Puttin' on the Ritz

2010-02-25T07:36:00.008-05:00

So we headed out to Phoenix to shoot another episode of Midlife Road Trip. I was especially excited as the agenda called for hot air ballooning, tom-car riding, rock climbing and machine gun shooting. Most experts agree that these activities are best done outdoors.

Prior to our arrival, it hadn’t rained inPhoenix for like 3 months. Wouldn’t ya know it, it rained for three of the four days we were there and everything but the rock climbing at AZ on the Rocks, was cancelled.

Ordinarily I would have been totally bummed, missing out on so much fun, BUT we were fortunate enough to be staying at the Ritz-Carlton in Phoenix. Believe me, there are worse places to be stuck in the rain.

I got to see the touring cast from Boradway’s Mary Poppins Musical perform and entertain guests at an afternoon tea. I got to interview Jeffrey Hattrick, the world’s foremost tea sommelier, (I didn’t even know there was such a thing) and I got to experience the legendary Ritz-Carlton service. The Ritz Carleton in Phoenix definitely earns the Midlife Road Trip Seal of Excellence.

I would check “puttin on the Ritz” off my bucket list, but after this experience, I'm amending my list to to say "Stay at at Every Ritz-Carlton hotel in the world." That's not unreasonable, is it?

...and NO, I didn’t steal the robe…I just borrowed it for the picture:)

Vegas is ADD Paradise

2010-02-14T18:02:00.004-05:00

I just got back from a quick weekend jaunt to Vegas. I took my wife as sort of a valentines gift. My job was to win money and her job was to spend money. She was a lot better at her job than I was at mine.

Though I’m not much for shopping or gambling, I still dig Vegas - it’s ADD paradise.

Check out what we were able to see,

all within 100 yards of our hotel!

Dead Celebrities, pictured with my lovely wife, Denise, and Austin Powers

Honesty and integrity are important in any business. I liked this guy so I became a customer.

Not just anybody can make two-tone shoes, a white polyester suite with a blue silk shirt, and a comb-over, look cool and classy in an old school mafia kind of way.

A giant shiny horse. You know how ADD people are about shiny things.

Fake, wonderful, wonder of the world.

Oh, and trucks that deliver Hot Babes direct to you? I wonder how many girls they carry in one of those trucks…..hmmmmm. I bet they wouldn’t be so hot if they cut some air vents in the truck.

Bathroom Mirror

2010-02-01T18:58:00.000-05:00

OK, so I go out of town to film an episode of Midlife Road Trip. I return to learn that my wife “saved” the family $90 by purchasing a $140 mirror that was marked down to $50 - some kind of weird female math that they teach in home economics classes in public schools.

She proudly hung it in the master bathroom. And though I am $50 poorer, I have to admit that it is a nice looking mirror. The only problem is that in placing the mirror, she failed to consider that I don’t always sit down when using the bathroom. So what I see in the mirror is not only bad for my self-esteem on cold mornings, it’s causing me to want to sit down every time I have to go. All those years of perfecting my aim, wasted.

Expiration Dates

2010-01-29T23:01:00.011-05:00

There it was, way in the back of the refrigerator, an unopened container of sour cream. Exactly what I needed to top my spinach and mushroom quesadilla - yummy!

But DANG IT!!! The expiration date was like 8 months ago. I opened it anyway. It’s sour cream for goodness sake. It’s already sour. Surely if it had never been opened it’d still be good - right? WRONG. I’ll spare you the details. Sadly I had to toss a full container of sour cream in the garbage.

That happened about three days before I was scheduled to jump out of an airplane for an episode of MidlifeRoad Trip. It got me to thinking about expiration dates.

Like it or not, all of us have an expiration date. But unlike sour cream, we don’t know when it is. Any doubts I had about skydiving vanished as I thought of what a waste it was to throw away an unopened container of sour cream.

When ever my expiration date rolls around, I don’t want any unexplored opportunities, unfulfilled experiences or unchased dreams left in my container. I want my container empty with the insides licked clean.

There’s something about Midlife when your hair starts graying, your bones start aching and your… you know … starts you knowing, that makes you start thinking about your own mortaility.

This is one of my favorite poems of all time. I think it puts expiration dates in their proper perspective.

The Dash Poem

by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak 

At the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

And spoke of the following date with tears, 

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth 

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, 

The cars, the house, the cash, 

What matters is how we live and love 

And how we spend our dash. 

So think about this long and hard; 

Are there things you'd like to change? 

For you never know how much time is left

That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough 

To consider what's true and real

And always try to understand 

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

And show appreciation more 

And love the people in our lives 

Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

And more often wear a smile, 

Remembering that this special dash 

Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read

With your life's actions to rehash 

Would you be proud of the things they say 

About how you spent your dash?

www.lindaellis.net

Contemplating Murder

2010-01-25T20:09:00.000-05:00

I’m in really nice resort / conference center in Tampa, FLorida. I never intended to write a real-time blog but it’s 3:10 a.m. and I can’t sleep.
    I can’t sleep because I have a roommate.
    My roommate is snoring.
    My roommate is snoring, loudly.
    My roommate is J.D. Lindman. J.D is the executive producer of the Midlife Road Trip show. We have a busy production schedule later in the morning - much later. When on the road, we often room together in order to share expenses. J.D. has become one of my best friends in the world.
    Friendship aside, J.D.’s snoring is unbelievably annoying. I am contemplating using the pillow that is no longer of use to me, to shut J.D. up - permanently.

    I’ll be right back.
...
...
    Didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t live with the guilt of snuffing out a friend. Besides, I’d have to pay for the whole room myself. I think I’ll get a shower.
    Be back soon.
...
...
    I remembered to wash behind my ears. Even in the shower, with the water running, I could hear J.D. snoring. He hasn’t always been this bad. That can’t be healthy. He needs to get something checked. I think I’ll wake him up.
    Back in a few...
...
    I guess I’d better put some clothes on first. If a naked man woke me up at 3:40 a.m., Im not sure what I’d think. I certainly wouldn’t room with him again. I’d better get dressed first.
    Where are my socks?
    This is the first time I have ever written anything naked. I’m actually feeling very creative; I’ll have to remember to try this next time I get a case of writer’s block, unless it’s one of those times when I’m writing in a hotel lobby.
    Should probably get dressed.
    Don’t look.
...
...
    O.K. I’m dressed now, but I’m not sure how I’m going to wake J.D. I have an idea, but it’s risky. I’ll let you know how it goes.
    Pray it works.
....

    It didn’t work like it did in camp. I filled the ice bucket with warm water and tried putting J.D.’s hand in it. He spilled the bucket all over the bed. He didn’t think it was funny, but at least he’s awake now. In fact, he’s taking a shower. He thinks it’s somewhere around 6:30 a.m. He wants to go to breakfast as soon as he gets dressed.
    I’m going sleep, y’all.

Writing for Leno

2010-01-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

    Being raised in the Bible belt, I was a taught that it is a sin to brag. I have always felt that whatever level of success I attain as a writer should be attributed to what I have written, not for whom I have written. I want my writing to stand on its own merits.
    That said, one of the Midlife Road Trip producers insisted that I should at least mention I had written material for Jay Leno, of Tonight Show fame. She said that it would not be bragging if I mentioned how I now look back on those years with a great sense of humility - which in all sincerity, I do.
    Right now, my life’s work is guiding others through their midlife journeys; showing them how to live their lives to the fullest, without regrets; encouraging them to take chances and fulfill their dreams. How can I be an encouragement to others without sharing a personal experience of a time when I threw caution to the wind in pursuit of my dream to make the world laugh?
    So I guess it's not bragging if my intent is to encourage others, right? I think this letter received from Mr. Leno, shortly before I decided to pursue other endeavors, conveys the nature of our professional relationship.

Please Don't Kill Me

2010-01-13T13:29:00.009-05:00

I have always been a little off, a little twisted. My momma says I was a handful growing up. If somebody says you’re a “handful”, it’s just a polite, Southern way of saying you are a pain in the butt.

I debated whether it is O.K. to say “butt” because I’m not sure if it is a cuss word or not. But then I remembered what the King James Bible calls a donkey, and I figured it was all right.

My momma is a very intelligent woman; she has her Master’s Degree in early childhood education. While I was growing up, she tried everything she knew to get me under control, but I was still a handful. Eventually she decided to have me evaluated. She arranged for some “professionals” with legal pads to visit my school and observe me throughout the day.

These experts told Momma that I had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – ADHD, which is just a big, fancy, clinical way of saying I was a “handful”. Momma already knew that, but I guess we had good insurance and she wanted to have it confirmed.

I still remember the first time Momma ever talked to me about ADHD; she was so kind and loving. She sat me down, took my little hands in hers and looked into my eyes. Then she pinched my cheeks real hard so I’d look into her eyes.

“Honey, you have a condition known as Attention Deficit….Look at me….Attention Deficit Hyper…LOOK AT ME!… Hyperactivity Dis…. Just take this little pill RIGHT NOW!”

“What’s it do?” I asked.

She knew I was too young to understand the chemistry behind it so she said, “It will help you to grow up to be big and strong and live a long life!”

Frightened, I asked, “Will I die if I don’t take it?”

She said, “No, honey, no. You won’t die... But somebody might kill you.”

After all these years, I am taking myself off my ADD meds. Midlife is the time you give your self permission to be yourself. I’m not sure that I am myself when I’m on the meds.

As I transition back to my natural ADD glory, I’m not sure what I’ll say or what I’ll do, but it will be me who says is and does it. Just please know that it is never, ever, ever my intent to offend anyone – except maybe the Amish – but that’s only because I know they don’t read my blog.

CRAPPY New Year!

2010-01-06T21:00:00.059-05:00

So here’s what happened. After church, a group of us headed into Atlanta for some Thai food. I voted for Mexican because I knew that this particular Thai restaurant didn’t have wi-fi to support my Twitter addiction.

Since I couldn’t tweet and eat, I left my 3-month-old, 17”Macbook Pro in the car. Even though we were in a “safe” part of town, I wisely hid my laptop on the floor of the rear passenger seat. And then to be extra safe, I covered it with my leather jacket.

When we returned to the car, we found a shattered window. But we didn’t find my laptop or my leather jacket - which obviously fled the scene in shame for not fulfilling its leather jackety duties of protecting my laptop.

I then uttered my first cuss word(s) of the new year, which is OK because I didn’t make a resolution not to cuss. Besides, screaming "Happy FAMOUS New Year to me! DARN it! shucks, Shucks, SHUCKS!" doesn't have the same therapeutic effect.

We called 911, but since no one was bleeding, we were given a low priority. After waiting for two and a half hours in 26 degree weather, I called 911 AGAIN to report hypothermia and frost bite, thinking it might move us up in priority.

While I was on the phone, an officer finally arrived. He told us that particular parking lot was hit 6-8 times per week. He said that the thief was probably a crack-head who traded my $2,800 computer to his junkie for a hit of crack.

Had the officer told me that the thief had traded my laptop for a hit of crack AND a hooker, I’d have felt much better knowing that I wasn’t the only one who got screwed.

On the off chance that whoever took my computer is reading my blog, please know that I will buy you a whole week’s supply of crack and hookers for it’s safe return - maybe even a month's supply! I don’t really know the current market price for either.

NOTE to everyone else reading this blog: Please be advised that my missing laptop had a current version of Photoshop and many personal pictures. So any unflattering or compromising pictures of me that EVER appear in the internet, are probably just the work of a creative druggie.

Gettin' Sauced

2009-12-29T23:11:00.005-05:00

People who follow me on Twitter know that I am a self-proclaimed foodie. They know that I love to cook and that I love to eat. They know that when I bite into certain foods, I WANT the food to bite me back - “forkplay", if you will. Yes, I’m one of those who likes it HOT & SPICEY!

On a recent trip to Tampa, the cast was having breakfast with our producer, Sandi, AKA @McMedia. She made us a wonderful breakfast in her fancy, right out of Southern Living Magazine kitchen.

I asked for some Tabasco sauce for my eggs - ‘cause that’s how I eat my eggs. She said that she didn’t have any Tabasco sauce. Dang it! But just as I was deciding that she must be a communist, she said “I have something bettah” - that’s yankee for “better.”

She handed me a small bottle of a habanero, carrot based hot sauce by Intensity Academy. Carrot based? What the heck? Habaneros? Waaay too hot to enjoy. I was sure that I wouldn’t like it.

    I will not like it, I will not
    Habaneros, much too hot
    Carrot based? I do not care
    I will not like this stuff, I swear!

But since I kinda made a big deal about having to have hot sauce on my eggs, I figured I’d better give it a try. And you know what? It was the BEST STUFF I’d ever put in my mouth. The sweetness of the carrots enhanced the flavor of the habaneros while taming their heat yet maintaining their kick. I finished my eggs and later caught my self taking shots of the stuff straight from the bottle - which Sandi said I could keep after catching me.

I said,”Sandi, we should ask Intensity Academy to be the ‘Official Hot Sauce’ of the Midlife Road Trip.” God bless her, Sandi made a few phone calls and landed Intensity Academy as a sponsor! As a product that we fell in love with and sought out as a sponsor, I am hereby awarding Intensity Academy the Midlife Road Trip Seal of Satisfaction.

Over the holidays I got to meet the founder of Intensity Academy, Michele Northrup and her husband, Tom. They brought me what has been my favorite gift this year - a WHOLE GALLON of their hottest, hot sauce, H-3 and a sampler pack of their Scovie Award winning sauces and marinades! Here’s a picture of me getting sauced. That's Michele, me, Tom & Denise (my wife).

DISCLAIMER:
Though we shamelessly attempt to get free products, services, accommodations and whatnot along our midlife journey, cast members only award the MLRT Seal of Satisfaction if we believe in it and LOVE it. We’ll be glad to try anything you send us, just be advised that if we don’t like it, we won’t mention it, and if it doesn’t ROCK OUR WORLD, it won’t get our Seal of Satisfaction. Our fans know that our endorsements mean something.

Midlife and Resolutions

2009-12-28T20:47:00.002-05:00

So it’s the time of year when bloggers everywhere begin making suggestions for resolutions guaranteed to make my life better in the new year. Here are the top recurring themes I’m seeing in the blogs.

1. diet and exercise
2. quit drinking and smoking
3. spend more time with family
4. get out of debt
5. get organized

Screw all of that. I’m in the middle of my midlife crisis. I don’t wanna diet. I don’t wanna exercise. I don’t wanna quit drinking - especially if I have to spend more time with family. I’d have to start smoking in order to quit smoking. I would feel totally un-American if I were out of debt. And dang it, I have A.D.D. so getting organized is a medical impossibility.

The ultimate purpose of resolutions is to make your life better, right? BUT, statistics show that most resolutions are broken sometimes between Superbowl Sunday and Fat Tuesday. A broken resolution is tantamount to personal failure.

Personal failure leads to low-self-esteem WHICH erodes productivity and diminishes the quality of life, THUS having the EXACT OPPOSITE effect of what what the resolutions were intended to do in the first place. All of that to say… I ain’t gonna make no resolutions this year.*

*Note to my northern friends who got their thongs in a thistle over my use of the words “ain’t” and “no” in the same sentence constituting a “double negative"... blah... blah... blah. Please be advised that I type in fluent Southern where the first negative adds emphasis to the second negative rather than negating it.

Making the Bed

2009-12-26T13:18:00.000-05:00

This morning I tweeted that I was waiting on my wife to finish cleaning the hotel room so we could head back to Atlanta. I really didn’t intend to say any more about my wife’s OCD cleanliness, but based on some of the twitter responses, there was no way a 140 character explanation would suffice, thus this unintended blog entry.

My wife is a wonderful housekeeper. She likes things to be kept clean and neat - always. I love her anyway.
It’s not that I’m a slob. I’m not. I just believe in functionality over vanity. For example, she likes to make the bed before we leave the house. I, on the other hand, figure, why make the bed when we’re going to sleep in it again tonight anyway?

She has taught me that if I don’t help make the bed, I don’t get to sleep in it. So now I make the bed.

She even makes the bed when we stay in a hotel room.
“...but the hotel staff get paid to do that!” I argue.
“The hotel staff will flush the toilet too. Are you going to wait for them to do that as well?” She replies.
“That’s different.” I pout, dutifully making my side of the bed.

After all these years, I’m still not sure why she finds it necessary to make the bed in a hotel room. She says, it’s because she likes to come back to a clean room. But dang it, she cleans the room the day we’re checking out!

I think making the beds in a hotel room is a bad idea. Suppose the cleaning staff comes in after we leave, decides that the room looks good enough and doesn’t change the sheets? We owe it to those staying in the room after us to leave our beds messed up! Surely I’m not alone in this.

OCD Pre-Travel Cleaning Ritual

2009-12-24T00:28:00.001-05:00

I love to travel.
I love my wife.
I love to travel with my wife.

But I absolutely HATE the pre-travel cleaning ritual that makes us late and adds stress anytime we leave the house for more than two days. We’ve been late to family reunions, weddings, and vacations. We once nearly missed our flight to Miami for a Bahama cruise. I even contemplated divorce the time we missed the first quarter of a Southeastern Conference college football game.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not opposed to the standard, dust, mop, vacuum and make the beds, kind of cleaning, but my wife’s OCD dictates cleaning beyond what normal people would call...well, normal. We have to clean the baseboards, the crown molding, behind the washer, behind the dryer, behind the refrigerator, inside the refrigerator, inside the kitchen cabinets, under the bathroom sinks, the basement - you name it. I didn’t even know that most of those were cleanable spaces.

I’m sure we would have had to have the septic tank pumped if she were to think of it. You would think Southern Living magazine were coming over to do a photo shoot of our house.

“Why is all of this necessary?” I ask.

“What if something happens to us on the trip. What if the plane crashes or what if the boat sinks and people have to come inside the house?” She replies.

“What do we care? we’ll be dead.” I say.

“But don’t you care what people will think?”

“I hope we’ll be remembered for more than how we kept house.” I say. “Do you honestly think people will be standing around the funeral home saying stuff like...

‘They seemed like such a nice family’
‘It’s so sad... so sad.’
‘Did you know that they found dust on top of their ceiling fan blades.’
‘You don’t say!?’
‘Not only that, they found dirty dishes in the dishwasher, cobwebs on the laundry room ceiling and two Cheerios under the refrigerator.’
‘No way, not the Griffins! They seemed so normal.’
‘It just goes to show - you never know.’"

We’re traveling to my brother’s home in Highlands, NC this Christmas. I would write more but I gotta go clean the garage.

Coconut Villas

2009-12-15T08:15:00.007-05:00

As a part of the Midlife Road Trip cast I have the opportunity to travel all over the country. I don’t normally intend to blog about the places we stay unless I have a humorous story about it.

I’ve stayed at five star resorts and at dumps that make a Motel 6 seem like a five star resort. I once stayed in a dump just outside of New Orleans that came with a complimentary crack pipe and a can of Raid.

Earlier this month our cast and crew assembled in Dunedin, FL for a planning retreat. I really wish we hadn’t stayed at the Coconut Villas because now I am spoiled. The Villas are immaculately landscaped and give the feeling of being in a tropical paradise. The Villas are located conveniently located to shopping and restaurants, yet the area isn't "touristy" at all, making the Villas perfect for work & relaxation.

I loved the wireless internet. It's not every day that you can surf the web while watching Dolphins play just a few yards from the back porch. It was also neat to have a crane (I guess it was a crane - it was a big white sea bird with along neck) walk right up to the back door. In fact, one day when we left the door open, the bird walked inside for a visit. Of course we took lots of pictures.

The only negative thing that I would have to say would be that some of the adjacent properties looked rather dumpy in comparison to the Villas. I hope our producers will book us for the Coconut Villas next time we're in the area. I am hereby awarding Coconut Villas of Dunedin the Midlife Road Trip Seal of Satisfaction.

DISCLAIMER:
Though we shamelessly attempt to get free products, services, accommodations and whatnot along our midlife journey, cast members only award the MLRT Seal of Satisfaction if we believe in it and LOVE it.

We’ll be glad to try anything you send us, just be advised that if we don’t like it, we won’t mention it, and if it doesn’t ROCK OUR WORLD, it won’t get our Seal of Satisfaction. Our fans know that our endorsements mean something.

Airport Security

2009-12-08T23:01:00.000-05:00

Sure, we’ve all been inconvenienced by the increased airport security measures since 9-11. And now thanks to the attempts of a wanna be shoe bomber, we now have to remove our shoes before passing through security. (Why couldn’t it have been a bra bomber?) I considered the inconvenience a part of my patriotic duty - until it began interfering with my sex life.

Denise and I were traveling with four other couples to Europe. This was our first trip out of the country since 9/11. The ticketing agent informed us that we could only have one carry-on item each. We had a total of three. So we frantically emptied the toiletries bag and began stuffing combs, brushes, make-up, toothpaste, etc. into the other two bags

Someone in our group noted, “The line through security is a mile long. If we don’t get in it now we’ll miss the flight!” We already knew that we were cutting it close and couldn’t afford any delays. A friend help Denise sip the bags shut, but I still had two handfuls of stuff. “What about this stuff?” I asked. “Put it in your pockets.” Denise said. “What about the empty bag?” “It’s fifteen years old. Leave it!” Denise replied. I stuffed the stuff into my pockets and ran to catch up with my group in the security line. I was reluctant to leave an unattended bag, empty as it was, at an airport ticketing desk. I was afraid that its discovery might initiate some security protocol that would shut down the whole airport. Of course then we wouldn’t have to worry about missing our flight.

I was the last one in our group to get in the security line. Denise was about ten or fifteen people ahead of me. The security people don’t let you break in line, so for the next hour and fifteen minutes I stood alone in a vast crowd of people awaiting my turn to go through the gauntlet of airport security. When I got to the x-ray conveyor belt, I could see Denise and our friends waiting on the other side of the metal detectors, motioning for me to hurry up - as if I had anything to do with how fast the line was moving.

I placed my shoes, watch, ring, and blazer on the conveyor belt alongside my carry-on bag. I stepped through the metal detector. The buzzer sounded and the red light atop the detector began to flash. “Cell phone needs to go in the tray.” the security guard said. I placed my cell phone in the tray.

“Step back through.” the guard said. I walked back through the metal detector. The buzzer went off again. “Any change in your pockets?” the guard asked. “Oh, yeah,” I said. I placed my change in the bowl that the guard was holding. “Step back through.” he said. I obliged and once again the buzzer sounded. The people in line behind me were looking exasperated. Denise and our friends were still giving me the hurry-up look.

The guard snapped his fingers and another guard approached. “Follow me,” the new guard said. I followed him to a table near my friends. He had me hold my arms straight out as he waved a wand up one side and down the other side of my body. The wand beeped at my waist. “Take off your belt.” he said. I removed my belt. My friends were laughing now. The guard waved his wand all over my body again, and again it beeped. “Empty the contents of your pockets on the table.” he said, motioning for another guard. My pockets were full of stuff from our toiletries bag. I pulled out eyeliner, lipstick, a toothbrush, a roll of Certs, a bottle of Midol, a stick of deodorant, a teasing comb, a pack of chewing gum and some Hall’s cough drops.

One guard examined my ticket and passport while the other examined the contents of my pockets. “That it?” the pocket-contents-examining guard asked. “Yes sir,” I swallowed, knowing that it wasn’t. The guard waved the wand over my body yet again. And yet again it beeped.

I knew what it was. He said something into his radio and three or four more guards hurried to the table where I was standing. The guard’s voice changed from a ‘just doing my job’ tone to a ‘we have a situation’ kind of urgency. “Sir, do you have an artificial hip?” he asked. “No sir.” I said, beginning to sweat. My friends were now looking worried. “Are you SURE your pockets are empty?” he snapped, “Because next we do a strip search.”

I turned my pockets inside out so the guard could see that they were, in fact, empty. In doing so, I tried to conceal the foil-wrapped condom in my left hand. “What’s that?” the guard asked. I showed him what I was holding. He waved the wand across the foil package. It beeped. He took the beep generating square from my hand and held it up for the other guards to see. “Looks like the bro’s planing on joining the Mile-High Club,” he laughed. The other guards laughed. Other passengers laughed. My friends laughed. Denise didn’t laugh. Europe didn’t prove to be as romantic as I had hoped.

The Truth About Cruises

2009-11-09T13:33:00.000-05:00

I had envisioned sitting at the dinner table and handing each of my daughters an envelope with $100 cash. They would open it up and ask, “What’s this for?”
I would reply “Pack your bags girls, we’re going on a cruise!!”
“When?” they would ask, excitedly.
“Our plane leaves in the morning!” I’d say. And they would squeal with delight and fight each other to give Daddy hugs and kisses before running off to their rooms to pack. Denise would kiss me and tell me how wonderful I was for planning this great surprise, revealing her amazement at how I was able to keep the cruise a secret. The look in her grateful eyes would promise a vacation filled with passion and romance.

But…
my oldest daughter, Sherri, had a part-time job and would need to ask off work. So I decided to spill the beans and tell them about the cruise a couple of weeks in advance.

The news of the cruise was not greeted with the great joy I anticipated. Denise and the girls seemed to be overcome with a sense of panic because they only had two weeks to prepare. Apparently females can’t just pack-up and go on a cruise. They all had to get manicures, pedicures and haircuts. They had to make numerous trips to the tanning salon.

We were going on a cruise for goodness sake; why couldn’t they just get a tan on the ship?

They also had to buy new clothes and bathing suits. Never mind the fact that neither the people on the cruise ship nor the fine people of the Commonwealth of the Bahamas had ever seen their old clothes or their old bathing suits. My girls spent more money “preparing” for the cruise than I had paid for the trip all-together. This stress-free vacation had become stressful before we even set sail.

Surely things would be better once we were on the boat.

NOT !

Cruise lines are evil companies that exploit the intricacies of the female psyche. When you board the ship, they have a photographer take your picture against a fake background. Then they display the pictures in the main hallway of the ship and charge $30 for them.
They send troops of photographers to follow you around to snap your picture at the various theme parties, formal dinners, shore excursions etc. And they don’t just take one picture and move on. They make you do different groupings.
“What a good looking family, everybody say ‘party’”…click, click… “O.K. Just Mom and Dad”…click, click… “Now, just the girls”…click, click, click, click… “Now just this daughter”…click, click… “Now, the other daughter”… click, click.

Denise felt obligated to buy all of these “official” pictures. Never mind that we had a digital camera and could take our own pictures; these pictures came in a protective, high-gloss, official cruise line display folder, made from some of the finest cardboard on Earth.

After buying enough pictures to fill another suitcase, I decided to start making goofy faces so Denise wouldn’t want to buy the pictures. On evening when we were in our cabin, Denise was looking at some pictures. “I can’t believe you made a face like that” she said.
“Why on Earth did you buy that?” I asked.
“If you don’t buy them, they leave them on display in the hallway. Do you want everybody on this cruise ship seeing you look like that?”

Another evil thing the cruise line does is issue you a cabin key that is not just a cabin key. It is also a credit card that can be used on all the ship’s gift shops, boutiques, spas, salons, clubs and casinos, and is happily accepted at certain establishments in the various ports of call. I missed that somewhere in the fine print. I thought that the cruise ship must have just had incredibly good bargains for my daughters to be buying so much stuff with the $100 I had given each of them to spend. My girls were wearing new stuff that they had bought on the cruise ship instead of wearing the new stuff they bought back home for the cruise ship.

The female mind offers further proof of God’s sense of humor, albeit cruel at times.

A final beef I have against cruise lines is that they engage in false and deceptive advertising. I had envisioned our cruise being a time for great family fun where we could relax, hang out and enjoy one another's company. Nowhere in the cruise brochures did they mention that they allow teenage boys on the ship.

This discovery was not comforting for a father of two beautiful daughters with new tans and new bathing suits. Not only does the ship allow teenage boys, it has a special club on board that you must be UNDER 21 to enter. How was I supposed to spy on my daughters?

This cruise vacation cost me twice what I had budgeted and was twice as stressful as any vacation we had ever taken, and to top it all off, I gained seven pounds.

With all said and done, if any cruise line out there would like to give my family and me a free cruise to alleviate their guilt, I am willing to reconsider all the bad things I said about cruise lines. I may even write something good about them in my next book. In fact, I may even start my next book on said ship and list said ship in my acknowledgments. Please call or email me soon. I need a vacation.

ADDetourz

2009-10-18T11:26:00.000-04:00

Folks have been asking me, “What’s this ADDetourz business all about?”

Well, it’s like this - I have been certifiably diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. I have a short attention span and I am easily distracted.

Often on family trips, I would drive miles out of the way in pursuit of something piqued my interest rather than staying on course of our destination. For example; once when we were driving from Atlanta to Savannah down Interstate 16, I saw an exit sign for the town of Dudley. Well, our cocker spaniel was named Dudley, so I thought my daughters would enjoy seeing the town of Dudley. So we took, what my girls referred to as “another one of Dad’s ADDetours”.

The producers of Midlife Road Trip are counting on me taking some ADDetourz along the journey. So I’m sure that in future posts or blogs or whatever this is, I will be recounting the experiences of some of these unplanned excursions. At least now, you know what an ADDetour is.

Pictured below are the Dudley exit sign, Downtown Dudley (PO), and the most famous water tower in Dudley.

In 1991, on the way back to Atlanta from a Disney Vacation in Orlando, we took an ADDetour to the Alligator Farm in St. Augustine. Here’s a picture of me, my oldest daughter Sherr, and a former alligator that surely enriched a local taxidermist.

One more thing, In case you’re wondering about the unusual spelling of ADDetourz, it’s because domain name “addetours.com” was taken. So rather than trying to track down the domain’s owner and trying to convince them to sell it to us for a song, we simply changed the spelling to “ADDetourz” for the purposes of graphics, video production and this blog.

CRAZY DAY and I haven't even had lunch!!

2009-10-12T12:27:00.000-04:00

I had to take my daughter to the doctor this morning in my wife's car because she was out of gas and chose to take the less-empty vehicle to work.

Dropped off prescriptions, brought daughter home - now ready to work.

Phone rings... a church friend needing help with plumbing problem. I rushed over, analyzed the problem and said, "You need to call a plumber". Problem solved.

On the way home I stopped at Kroger to pick up the prescriptions and to buy some stuff to make Kacie some chicken soup. An elderly lady making a U-turn, crashed her cart into the wine shelf, knocking 4 or 5 bottles of merlot on the floor where, of course they shattered, baptizing my feet and new sandals with wine and shards of glass.

(Fortunately, no one was hurt, though I might have been if I had swallowed glass while sucking my toes as I was initially inclined.)

When I exited the store, it was pouring down rain. I had left my umbrella at my friend-with-the-plumbing-problem's hose. I decided to run for it. But when I got to the place where I thought I had parked, my truck was nowhere to be found. So in the pouring rain, carrying 3 bags of groceries, I ran around the Kroger parking lot searching for my truck - for like TWO MINUTES before I remembered that I was in my wife's car. #SucksGettingOld

Now I am home, soaking wet, venting my frustrations.

Time to put on some dry clothes and make some chicken soup.